Layers

We’re back. My body has been on this planet in this realm for 31 years. I feel like I’ve aged 5 years being away for 17 days. The island is the same and very different. I still miss it the same ay I did as a kid. The cool breeze. The warm sun. It was consistently 80 degrees which was really nice. Although, the cold crisp NY air was comforting when we landed. All of our barkada has left except for 1 or 2 who still work and live on Sibali. I got to see 2 of them. Seeing my cousins and nieces and nephews was a trip. Everyone is older, wiser, taller.. the sound of their voices as kids in my mind but I hear them post puberty now in the flesh. I think about how much technology has changed everything but they are still listening to the same music. We attended the fiesta in Masudsud. The last time I was at one of those events I was a teenager falling for a local boy. And there I was 30 with my fiancé. I finally understand why people wit years to come back. 2 weeks wasn’t enough. I was learning how to be in the correct time zone, my body didn’t agree with a lot I was eating, the water.. was just right. I learned a lot about going as an adult. It was also the first time I was there without Nene which was hard. My Tagalog wasn’t the best but I was able to navigate conversations and locale pretty well.. I’m not a stranger to the land and it certainly didn’t feel like I was. Being there with Ed did dictate a lot of how I interacted with people and how we moved around. I’d like to go back alone next time or with Nene or more of my relatives who are here. I’m glad that at this stage in our relationship he was able to join me. It just wasn’t enough time. I think a part of me was hoping to feel whole being there. But there was a big part that felt uncomfortable with the reality of some of the relationships and situations that as a kid I didn’t think too much about. For one, Mama has katulong out there, a helper, someone who is technically a relative but doesn’t have the same means so works for Mama. My parents dynamic hasn’t changed. Papa still relies on Mama for everything, especially money. All of my older cousins are nurturing and present with Mama. I’m glad she has company when she’s home even if Papa spends his time where he grew up. They are so different it sometimes doesn’t make any sense as to why they’ve been together this long. When we were younger Mam would say it was for us, but now I’m beginning to feel like that was just an excuse. She’s better off without him at this point, maybe always has been. They’re expectations of each other are rooted in the traditional colonized roles of husband and wife. There is little to no respect for the other. They’re also overly critical of each other. Comparing constantly other relationships and partners, just not healthy. I have a lot more to unpack about everything.. i’m thinking of writing a play about it. Maybe something to remind them of who they were before America broke down their dreams..