Transmutation

12/21/22 Defintion: the action of changing or the state of being changed into another form.

"the transmutation of the political economy of the postwar years was complete"

• PHYSICS

  the changing of one element into another by radioactive decay, nuclear bombardment, or similar processes.

• HISTORICAL•BIOLOGY

  the conversion or transformation of one species into another.

I take the thing and make it another thing. Like molding clay. I take my sadness and shame and turn it to something else, like scibbles on a piece of paper. I guess that’s also a form of alchemy. I feel like that word gets thrown around a lot. I’m thinking about praise. I’m thinking about recognition. And the lack of it FOR immigrant children. Not of it entirely, but I can’t say I’ve been absolutely validated by my parents especially growing up. Praise. Sitting in praise. I started crying because I was suddenly proud of myself. Suddenly felt in that moment what it was to fully see myself. All parts. It was overwhelming. To sit in your own power is only a little overwhelming. It’s a lot. I’m a lot. But I vow to hold myself in my fullness and the latter. I’ll come back to this later.. just wanted to sit with the top most thoughts.

Well I never came back to this. And I’m once again wondering why not? I guess it wasn’t a priority. I guess what I really miss is performing. NYE is on Saturday. This year was a big one. Lots of things to be grateful for. And lots to look forward to.

When I think about how I was raised and I remember both of my parents journeys I can’t help but think about what influenced them. The big 3, agents of colonization. Was it truly Mama’s dream to be a nurse? Papa held on to his for years, still practices his way of architecture. Mama would always joke about how he never finished college. Too many interests or not enough focus. The older I get the more I see myself in him. Angry at the systems. maybe it was his way of sticking it to the man. Stealing back the knowledge without recognition.